A Twofer--- Magic of the PTT and Note on Word Choice

The new school year is here! Seriously, teachers get excited about this as much as parents. I was walking through Target at the beginning of this month and practically inhaled the new pencil smell as I walked through aisles of lined paper, pocket organizers, and ...intense breathing... colored pens. Crayon boxes may be all-that to some teachers but a new rainbow pack of fine-point Sharpies is my personal heroin.

In the last entry, I wrote of ways to help out in the classroom and I've thought about that a lot as I prepared my own classroom and office space. Dusting. That would help. Setting up non-dead-yet plants for the window sill, covering boards with colored paper and wavy border, proof-reading a first-day letter, being sure all books are marked with school (or my) bookplates. Not sexy but helpful.

This blog is a twofer because there are two thoughts bouncing around in my head. Blame it on beginning-of-the-school-year joy or muddle-headiness.

First, I am reminded of the magic of a truly coordinated Parent-Teacher Tango. One year, a parent sent a little note about their middle schooler: "Aiden is really excited about possibly going to Six Flags this autumn break. We've told him that he has to keep up with his homework, though, to earn it. Feel free to remind him. :-)" Bingo! Now, in class, I can do a casual CIA fly-by of his desk just as he's about to begin an agonizing procrastination stint. He's baffled by my insider information and gets the uncomfortable feeling that he has nothing to hide. In addition, he gets the supreme comfort of clear boundaries and an adult crew working as a well-oiled machine on his developmental behalf. It is teamwork at its best. That mother was hoping Aiden would have a good year, independently working, beating his procrastination devil, getting to go with his family on a fun vacation, and she knew I would not only be in complete agreement but that I would work in cahoots to help make this happen.

Second, and this is possibly just a pet peeve, but here goes. A father of two lovely and well-adjusted students has an annoying habit of stating everything in the negative and it just makes us (yes, I've checked with others) want to ignore him. Let's say he wants to have the Student Handbook printed on recycled paper. Fair enough. The problem is that he will state it this way in a large meeting, "Can we, uh, NOT have the Student Handbook printed on new paper this year?" If you don't see what I'm getting at, read that sentence out loud and take the attitude that the printing of the handbook on new paper was done because we were all too stupid to think of doing it otherwise. There you go. It's annoying! Teachers and administrators appreciate ideas and constructive criticism from parents (and students) because often we haven't thought of the idea or we had no idea how something was experienced by our community. Just try to state it in the positive. Imagine if he'd raised his hairy little arm and said, instead, "The Student Handbook is such an important document and I was wondering if we could have it both online and printed on recycled paper so it was available but also models the eco-friendly school that we are." Great! Love the idea.

There. I've said my piece and my peace.

September is around the corner. Crisp autumn leaves AND sharpies... I may faint!

Daisy

Summer Lovin' Had me a Blaaasst...

Summer lovin' happened so fast! It's almost August and we are heading back to school in a week. Seriously. Yesterday, I bought some school supplies. It got me thinking about the idea of teacher gifts and I had a mini-Oprah-aha! moment-- a great gift for teachers, at any time of year, is little classroom-use items or hand-outs for the kids. Post-its in fun colors, borders for the noteboard, stickers, pens, fun pencils, bookmarks... these are the things teachers buy out-of-pocket (average amount quoted in one study was $300 per year, per teacher.)

Currently, we're working near Russia so we have been given a lot of vodka. Appreciated but not really appropriate in most places for a nine-year-old to hand over a nice Polish potato vodka as a "thanks for a great year" memento. A 14-year-old handed me a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label this past June. Still, not appropriate. So, let's focus on school supplies or hand-outs. Also, Time is a great gift. If you don't know what's needed, just hand over a coupon with your name, eMail address and an amount of hours you'd be happy to put in helping. The teacher could contact you to cash in on the hours when he/she needs it. Simply. Better than "Joey Love" for those of you who know the show Friends as embarrassingly well as I do.

As the summer comes to an end, I must let you know, not to complain, that I had 18 days off (not including weekends) this summer. Conferences, work meetings, planning sessions and professional development took up the rest of the time. The next time someone says teachers and other school personnel are lucky because they have three months off every summer will get a look from me. Yessirree. A look. And, I might think mean thoughts. That's right. Mean thoughts.

To not end on a negative note, I will close this rambling post with the heartfelt statement that I am excited to get back to school and see the students and have morning welcomes and all of that... seeing school supplies at Target made me positively giddy.

Until next time...

Daisy

The Fame and Money

In my first posting, I suggested "They don't do it for the fame and money" as the title of a future posting. The future is now, so here goes.

My thoughts ran along the lines of the many, many times I've said to a student or parent, "keep in mind, they don't..." (you know the rest) when they had a criticism of a teacher. Often, the criticism was warranted. We do make mistakes, exercise bad judgement, contribute to miscommunications.

My point, however, is that teachers do this work because they enjoy the energy of young people, they are passionate about education as a key to a better future, they are lifelong learners, want to pass that on, they think Chemistry is SO cool, or they simply want to be there for your kids. Yes, there are a few teachers who could think of no other profession or who thought the summers off were awesome (they aren't long enough and teachers are NOT paid for them, by the way) but those bozos are few and far between, they usually fry early on in the profession...and are easy to spot... so I'm not talking about them.

I am talking about the Senior English teacher (she'll be the topic of another post) who is "assigning way too much" and the 2nd-grade teacher who "insinuated that Pookie was ADD" and the Principal who "told me to just go talk to the teacher and isn't dealing with the issue at all."

As you struggle with the very human teachers working with your very human children, remember that the intentions are good and nobody is out to get anyone. Start with that premise and try to get behind and under the impeccable reasons for the teachers words or behavior. Impeccable Reasons is not my idea... it's a conceptual technique for getting out of your own way when you don't like or understand how someone is behaving or communicating and you want to see from their point of view.

Here is the challenging concept. Sit with it before you yell at me:

We all have impeccable reasons for our behavior.

A simply complex concept but one that, when applied, can change your relationships. I'll give you some examples from my own life. Not from a school, but an airport.

I was picking my husband up one day and had our four kids in various car-seat stages throughout the back of the minivan. At the airport, during rush hour, it was blocked up outside baggage. The minivan was pinned between two SUVs, and I was at a standstill, looking for him to come through the automatic doors at Carousel 6. While waiting, my cousin called me to describe his son's recent surgery and, being in park, I took the call. A woman with a blond bob, nordic sweater, and small rolly-bag came up toward my passenger-seat window and started screaming at me about not moving. Clearly, I couldn't move my vehicle. Apparently her husband's SUV was behind mine and she wanted him to be able to move up 26 feet so she could get in. Let me say now that this is Minnesota and, although we do have rush hour at the airport, we rarely have screaming Norse women. That was in our past. We've moved on. So, I'm listening to my cousin's harrowing tale of surgery and trying to calm the kids down as Helga continues to scream at me. I put my hands up to let her know that I couldn't go anywhere but that did not register. In the end I never found out what the problem was. The kids kept asking what was wrong with "that lady" and I said I didn't know but imagined that she saw the situation differently from us. Using impeccable reasons we came up with her back-story:

1. She had just come from saying goodbye to her dying mother her emotions were raw and it frightened her. When she is emotionally scared, she turns to anger.
2. Her leg hurt and she didn't want to walk any further to her husband's SUV.
3. I reminded her of a girl she once knew who always talked on a cell phone and ignored her.

See how it works? Any of those reasons will explain her behavior logically because her behavior was logical, TO HER, and it wasn't as personally attacking when I imaginary-understood this. Just because there was heightened emotion, doesn't mean it wasn't logical. I don't normally yelp spontaneously but if I am frightened suddenly, I will. If you don't see that I was suddenly frightened, you'll just think I'm weird.

OK, another example-- I like this one because I learned the reason behind the unnerving behavior and because my behavior was bothersome to him as much as his was to me... A few years back, we had a Bernese Mountain Dog. They are as sweet as they are huge. Her name was Emma and I witnessed a mouse crawl over her snout one day as she simply watched. I also, on more than one occasion, saw her keep her mouth open so as not to bother the child who had stuck their hand in it to tap on her teeth. This was not a dangerous dog. She was smart, though, and she learned how to open the front door one day.

I was walking a group of children down to the local park and several had tricycled ahead, onto the wooded path, and out of my sight. Several were still with me and several were between me and the woods. I was not running a daycare, we just had a lot of kids in the neighborhood and they all wanted to go to the park. Anyway, a man and his wife approached with their black labrador, properly leashed. Just then, Emma came bounding down the hill, happy that she'd finally figured out the front door issue she'd been having. The woman stood there and the man started hollering at me about getting my dog on a leash.

His dog and Emma were, at this point, happily wagging hello and sniffing around one another, getting the weekly news. I quickly apologized and explained that she was completely safe and I could not go back to the house at that moment because I had kids up ahead in the woods. He escalated his upset until I had a quizzical look on my face -- my thoughts swirled around the large dog he had and the happy way the two dogs were behaving and what on earth was he freaking out about?? -- His wife brought the whole picture into focus-- "It's OK, I was bitten by an unleashed dog last year." OH, duh.

So, his impeccable reason was that he was afraid his wife would be hurt again. As soon as she said that, I said I understood and I reassured him that Emma was not Cujo (but excited to escape the house) and again explained the importance of toddlers on tricycles over dogs on leashes. Then, he mellowed. Uncovering the impeccable reason helped both of us-- he knew I was not behaving recklessly with my dog and I knew he was understandably protecting his wife. We understood one another! All was OK and the "what a jerk" factor evaporated on both sides.

In this case, I actually found out the reasons. With Airport Helga, we just had to imagine. Either way, when understanding arrived, the sting of the interaction was gone and we could move on without lasting negative feelings.

Back to school (although I think this works throughout life) - If we as parents and teachers practice finding impeccable reasons whenever we are stumped, upset, angered, or button-pushed by the behavior of another, we'll gain understanding and compassion. Most importantly, we'll level the emotional charge and be better able to focus on solutions or clarifications. This is a gift for our kids because they suffer from our negative assumptions, tense relationships, and misunderstandings. It is also a gift because, when we are truly teaming, we can keep them on track and better support their learning in school and their growth as a person.

This week has been a particularly tough one for me. I've had to say goodbye to many students, some moving from our school, some graduating. Witnessing the break of these bonds between students, staff, and families as the year ends is brutal. It doesn't get easier and this is year 20-something for me. The impeccable reason for the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest is the same for my colleagues, parents, and students... we grow to love one another and deeply care about one another as people.

There are no paparazzi, no piles of gold but this is worth SO MUCH MORE.

Next time... do I dare tackle the Senior English Teacher?? She scares me so I may chicken out... we'll see.

End of School Year Freak-Outs

It is rare in this blog that I will admonish parents but, here goes. We all (yes, me included) must remember that the end of the school year is not a gentle fairy-dance into a lovely, long summer. For teachers and admin, it is a screaming, dusty, sweaty slide into home with your pants torn at the knee and half of your elbow skin left at third base. It is ugly. Getting final projects done, grading completed and reports into the computer is enough to make you crazy but then you add the "Leap into Summer" concert, the Color-Wars sports event, the Community Picnic, PK Moving-UP ceremony for the 4-year-olds, transfer reports for students leaving, cleaning the desks and walls and sorting the lost-and-found baskets, writing letters of recommendations for adolescent summer-job seekers, and providing the data report for the district standards.... it's FREAK-OUT time and summer seems a looooooong way off.

Please be patient and communicate with an extra dose of caring.

Repeat to yourself:

We are all on the same team.

We are all on the same team.

We are all on the same team.

Offer to help out -- clearing a bulletin board, sorting school supplies, packing up a classroom library, bringing in a snack or a coffee, being a guest reader...

At the very least, offer a smile and "is this a good time to talk" before initiating a discussion about Shooshie's advanced abilities and your interest in moving her up a grade. Not that we don't care about Shooshie right now it's just that we are trying to get through each day, one at a time, and we are precariously perched between insanity and summer. Finally, keep in mind that the admin isn't likely to say more than "we'll keep that in mind" if you have any ideas for the next year. Have the conversation, certainly, but don't expect a huge response.

In the end, insanity will not win. Summer will arrive, we'll be sitting on the deck soon, and tempers will chill along with the lemonade.

Until next time (and after I get my office cleaned out)

Daisy

So why this blog??

First of all, I don't intend to spend hours editing and crafting all of my writing because I'd never actually complete a whole blog entry. Therefore, I ask forgiveness if the stream-of-thought style bugs you. Or, I ask you to find another blog because this is the way it's gonna happen... thoughts in, words out.

For many years, I've wanted to write down all of the notes floating about my files, my head, my desk, on how parents and teachers dance this (often weird) dance that clearly affects the child's educational experience. It comes in many forms and I'll try to stick to just one big idea per post. I'm planning to write about both the positive and the negative, the deep and serious, and the lighter side of the Parent/Teacher Tango. I'm also creating an archive of writing and proof that this term, Parent/Teacher Tango is MY idea... OK, that was really possessive of me and I'll try not to do it again.

Although I am thinking of my audience as parents, I certainly hope some teachers and administrators also tune in and share their thoughts. Teamwork is key. I'm sure I'll repeat that line over and over because it is important. Teamwork is key. See, I already did it.

So, here we go!

First Topic -- Why is this blog needed?

There is a lot of egg-shell walking going on in schools across the universe. My guess is that there are Martian Moms complaining to Venitian (mixed-marriage) Dads that the teacher just doesn't understand little Xqjig and is "out to get him." I also assume there are Plutonian Teachers complaining to one another that the parents of Vvvghi-po "think she's so amazing and perfect but she's just normal!" The problem is that in both Xqjig's and Vvvghi-po's parent-teacher communications, everyone was polite, they exchanged niceties but never was the conversation able to get to the real issues because both parents and teachers danced the dance and didn't communicate effectively.

In addition, there are many teachers learning all they think they need to know about a student from other teachers or kids, and parents learning all they think they need to know about teachers, administrators, or the school from the other parents (Four Agreements, People, Don't Assume! Ask directly...)

The bottom line is that your positive, effective, authentic, and thoughtful participation in your child's education will change their experience in school and, therefore, their development and, therefore, their life! How many of us can trace a challenge in life back to an experience in school?? How many of us can trace a benefit in life to an experience in school??

Keep in mind - Teachers don't do their job for the fame or money (hey! that's a good topic for the second posting) they do it for many other reasons but chief among them is that they like working with your kids and they are passionate about education.

To be completely transparent, I'm a developmental psychologist, which means I study human change from conception to death, and my research has been on Positive Youth Development. I do not believe anyone has to develop negatively. Being poor or rich, pretty or ugly, green or orange, one-parent, two, or none... nothing has the final say on how you develop. I believe this to be true for children, adolescents, and adults. We never stop developing until we take our final breath.

You may disagree with me or think I'm a Pollyanna (poor kid, what did she do to get that rep?) and, if so, feel free to write your own blog about how people are doomed because their parents divorced or they were born too rich or they have ears that stick out. I won't agree with you but we can co-exist peacefully.

Until next time,
Daisy