I posted a link to the very recent TED talk by David Brooks because it is a reminder that "we learn from those we love" ---crucial words from his talk. Why do we learn from those we love? This goes beyond teachers and students and parents and tangos. This is about human beings. We learn from those we love because we are more likely to have
mindsight - the ability to get inside the mind of another and
equipoise - the ability to have the serenity to get inside ourselves and learn from our actions and thoughts, including our failures and limits and
metis - street smarts, the ability to get the gist of things, detect patterns in the environment and sense what is happening and
sympathy - the ability to connect with others in a way that promotes group work and interaction.
Mindsight lets us learn from everyone. Equipoise lets us learn from ourselves. Metis lets us learn from intuition. Sympathy lets us learn from group interaction. Each of these is supported by love and the trust that develops from healthy attachment to those around us. If I trust another person, I will be open to what they have to teach me rather than putting up walls to protect myself from perceived threat. If I trust myself, I will be open to examining and learning from my experiences, rather than putting up walls to protect myself from esteem-slamming inner talk. If I trust my intuition, I can learn from the human ability to read subtle signs in the environment, rather than relying on a form of non-heuristic rationality. If I trust others, I will engage in group interaction that results in productive gestalt, rather than engaging in competition and offense/defense.
What Brooks' talk has to offer us with regard to the Parent/Teacher Tango is a recognition that going into this relationship with mindsight, equipoise, metis, and sympathy will result in learning for us, productive approaches to problems, and a better experience for our kids.
I've known a few people who approach the world this way. One set of parents was continually dealing with their son's aggressive behavior toward his peers. He would hit, kick, bite, yell, and generally explode without warning. The teacher was present, aware, and careful, and yet things happened over and over again. The other parents in class, while generally sympathetic, were worried about their own kids being hurt. The class climate was falling apart. The boy was sinking lower and lower into a behavior pattern pit and he didn't see himself getting out. Something had to be done right away.
The parents could have been defensive and attacking of the teacher or the school or the other kids but they remained open and trusting and loving. They approached each and every call about their son with thoughtful and heart-full intention. They knew we were all wanting to support this little guy in climbing out of the behavior pattern pit. They knew we would work best if we worked together. No time was wasted being angry although they were able to confront the situation and explore the role of the other kids in class (teasing) and the role of external issues (a recent move) to get a well-rounded view of the terrain. A stroke of great luck, the teacher and other parents also approached the situation in an open and trusting way.
Together, we enacted a plan for addressing class climate issues, working 1:1 with the little volcano to build his resilience and metis, and encourage equipoise, and slowly backing out of the rut in which everyone felt stuck. Over the course of a few weeks, things improved and everyone learned to trust again. There was an implicit understanding that this was a better way to be in the world. Remaining mindful, demonstrating mindsight, practicing equipoise and sympathy... worked.
Best of all, the focus remained on the kids and created a climate of trust and love and... learning (for all of us.)
Until next time...
