My thoughts ran along the lines of the many, many times I've said to a student or parent, "keep in mind, they don't..." (you know the rest) when they had a criticism of a teacher. Often, the criticism was warranted. We do make mistakes, exercise bad judgement, contribute to miscommunications.
My point, however, is that teachers do this work because they enjoy the energy of young people, they are passionate about education as a key to a better future, they are lifelong learners, want to pass that on, they think Chemistry is SO cool, or they simply want to be there for your kids. Yes, there are a few teachers who could think of no other profession or who thought the summers off were awesome (they aren't long enough and teachers are NOT paid for them, by the way) but those bozos are few and far between, they usually fry early on in the profession...and are easy to spot... so I'm not talking about them.
I am talking about the Senior English teacher (she'll be the topic of another post) who is "assigning way too much" and the 2nd-grade teacher who "insinuated that Pookie was ADD" and the Principal who "told me to just go talk to the teacher and isn't dealing with the issue at all."
As you struggle with the very human teachers working with your very human children, remember that the intentions are good and nobody is out to get anyone. Start with that premise and try to get behind and under the impeccable reasons for the teachers words or behavior. Impeccable Reasons is not my idea... it's a conceptual technique for getting out of your own way when you don't like or understand how someone is behaving or communicating and you want to see from their point of view.
Here is the challenging concept. Sit with it before you yell at me:
We all have impeccable reasons for our behavior.
A simply complex concept but one that, when applied, can change your relationships. I'll give you some examples from my own life. Not from a school, but an airport. I was picking my husband up one day and had our four kids in various car-seat stages throughout the back of the minivan. At the airport, during rush hour, it was blocked up outside baggage. The minivan was pinned between two SUVs, and I was at a standstill, looking for him to come through the automatic doors at Carousel 6. While waiting, my cousin called me to describe his son's recent surgery and, being in park, I took the call. A woman with a blond bob, nordic sweater, and small rolly-bag came up toward my passenger-seat window and started screaming at me about not moving. Clearly, I couldn't move my vehicle. Apparently her husband's SUV was behind mine and she wanted him to be able to move up 26 feet so she could get in. Let me say now that this is Minnesota and, although we do have rush hour at the airport, we rarely have screaming Norse women. That was in our past. We've moved on. So, I'm listening to my cousin's harrowing tale of surgery and trying to calm the kids down as Helga continues to scream at me. I put my hands up to let her know that I couldn't go anywhere but that did not register. In the end I never found out what the problem was. The kids kept asking what was wrong with "that lady" and I said I didn't know but imagined that she saw the situation differently from us. Using impeccable reasons we came up with her back-story:
- She had just come from saying goodbye to her dying mother her emotions were raw and it frightened her. When she is emotionally scared, she turns to anger.
- Her leg hurt and she didn't want to walk any further to her husband's SUV.
- I reminded her of a girl she once knew who always talked on a cell phone and ignored her.
OK, another example-- I like this one because I learned the reason behind the unnerving behavior and because my behavior was bothersome to him as much as his was to me... A few years back, we had a Bernese Mountain Dog. They are as sweet as they are huge. Her name was Emma and I witnessed a mouse crawl over her snout one day as she simply watched. I also, on more than one occasion, saw her keep her mouth open so as not to bother the child who had stuck their hand in it to tap on her teeth. This was not a dangerous dog. She was smart, though, and she learned how to open the front door one day.
I was walking a group of children down to the local park and several had tricycled ahead, onto the wooded path, and out of my sight. Several were still with me and several were between me and the woods. I was not running a daycare, we just had a lot of kids in the neighborhood and they all wanted to go to the park. Anyway, a man and his wife approached with their black labrador, properly leashed. Just then, Emma came bounding down the hill, happy that she'd finally figured out the front door issue she'd been having. The woman stood there and the man started hollering at me about getting my dog on a leash.
His dog and Emma were, at this point, happily wagging hello and sniffing around one another, getting the weekly news. I quickly apologized and explained that she was completely safe and I could not go back to the house at that moment because I had kids up ahead in the woods. He escalated his upset until I had a quizzical look on my face -- my thoughts swirled around the large dog he had and the happy way the two dogs were behaving and what on earth was he freaking out about?? -- His wife brought the whole picture into focus-- "It's OK, I was bitten by an unleashed dog last year." OH, duh.
So, his impeccable reason was that he was afraid his wife would be hurt again. As soon as she said that, I said I understood and I reassured him that Emma was not Cujo (but excited to escape the house) and again explained the importance of toddlers on tricycles over dogs on leashes. Then, he mellowed. Uncovering the impeccable reason helped both of us-- he knew I was not behaving recklessly with my dog and I knew he was understandably protecting his wife. We understood one another! All was OK and the "what a jerk" factor evaporated on both sides.
In this case, I actually found out the reasons. With Airport Helga, we just had to imagine. Either way, when understanding arrived, the sting of the interaction was gone and we could move on without lasting negative feelings.
Back to school (although I think this works throughout life) - If we as parents and teachers practice finding impeccable reasons whenever we are stumped, upset, angered, or button-pushed by the behavior of another, we'll gain understanding and compassion. Most importantly, we'll level the emotional charge and be better able to focus on solutions or clarifications. This is a gift for our kids because they suffer from our negative assumptions, tense relationships, and misunderstandings. It is also a gift because, when we are truly teaming, we can keep them on track and better support their learning in school and their growth as a person.
This week has been a particularly tough one for me. I've had to say goodbye to many students, some moving from our school, some graduating. Witnessing the break of these bonds between students, staff, and families as the year ends is brutal. It doesn't get easier and this is year 20-something for me. The impeccable reason for the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest is the same for my colleagues, parents, and students... we grow to love one another and deeply care about one another as people.
There are no paparazzi, no piles of gold but this is worth SO MUCH MORE.
Next time... do I dare tackle the Senior English Teacher?? She scares me so I may chicken out... we'll see.
